Tuesday, 19 May 2015

Story extract!

Hey guys! It's me, PenGirl!! So today I am going to write a short chapter from a story I am writing. If you enjoy it or just want to give me some advise then please tell me in the comments section below! I'll try to reply back to your comments ASAP! So here goes...


She gripped the warm cup letting the warmth seep into her, her hands straining with the pain of it. She musn't stop for too long. Not now. She slowly eased herself off of the ground and shoved her things hurriedly into her old, black backpack. A bit too hurriedly. Her things spilled out in the chilly atmosphere like water causing a small racket out in the dead silence that lay around her. Keep moving. Cursing loudly, she stooped down and began to scoop up her belongings out of the cold white snow. The picture of her beloved parents, her lucky charms- which she would have to hold 
onto if she was to survive this cruel harsh winter-, her packaged food, her bottled water, her flask and her precious camera. All these little things, normal things back at home but here? Her lifeline. After she had broken out her day dream, and collected all of her things, she began to set off  for her journey once more for she had little time and oh, so much to do. She began to move her aching limbs, taking tiny steps towards her goal- Mount McKinley whilst her feet trudged in the snow every step a chore. Why had she taken up the challenge? Why did she have to prove anything? Giving out a loud sigh, she returned her thoughts back to the important things. The Adventure From Hell -and her survival. "Miss Smith?" Her heart filled with dread and realisation. She knew that voice. That deep, dark and cunning voice... 


Did you like it? If you did comment or follow! I don't mind any criticism so fire away, far away... Anyway that's all for now guys but I hopefully will be back on Friday! So with that.

-PenGirl
Xoxo

17 comments:

  1. Hi! Post your comment here! Just remember, be nice!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey PenGirl,

    Just bumped into your new blog. I really enjoyed reading your first submission, and thought I might contribute.

    I like this kind of writing. The theme is great: our mysterious female protagonist appears at what seems like the climax of her story, exhibiting all too familiar human tendencies. She’s cold. Alone. Possibly afraid. Yet she’s battling on. Her courage doesn’t fail her. The voice inside her head provides constant encouragement. She is brave.

    Your extract succeeds for several reasons. Firstly, PG, you’re clearly respecting your readers’ intelligence when you write. Secondly, your use of words is very economical and you don’t waffle. Thirdly, I think your descriptive language is vivid and effective. This is the good stuff.

    If you want to develop it further, PG, perhaps expand a little at the end before you conclude with your cliff-hanger. Maybe even introduce some short exchange/dialogue between Miss Smith and this new “The Dreaded Voice”. Give us readers a few clues: who might this new person be? A deranged maths teacher mercilessly tracking down missed homework? Or some annoying, yet deeply misunderstood, alien from outer space disguised as a man? Who knows...

    I’d love to find out what happens next. Will we see humour or dread? Contentment or misery? Alleviation or escalation?

    Bring on the PenGirl Chronicles!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for liking my story! I am glad you understand the meaning. Stay tuned!

      Delete
  3. Awesome, you are a great writer!

    ~Noor

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I love your blog by the way- funny yet thoughtful!

      Delete
  4. I saw your comment on my blog so I'll just write it again!

    This is absolutely incredible!

    Your writing is so amazing and intriguing and mysterious!

    You MUST continue! Sorry if that sounded demanding!

    You should be very proud!

    You have a talent and I really hope you know that!

    I really love your blog!

    onlinemissy.blogspot.com

    Sorry if it wasn't EXACTLY the same!

    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much!! It means a lot!

      -PenGirl

      Delete
  5. I love this! Keep posting more extracts, I beg of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your lovely comment - and I will!!

      Delete
  6. Hi pen girl! It's Abbie from girl online! I'd love to design your blog! On the design tab in my blog there's a form to fill out! If you could just quickly fill it out that would be great and then I can get going!

    Also on your blog you need to add me as an admin. Here's how -
    Blogger > Your blog > settings > add authors then type in my email - abbthompson04@gmail.com > once I've accepted select admin by my name!

    So yeah just fill out the form, add me as an admin and then I can design your blog! Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! It looks GREAT!!

      Delete
  7. Dear Pengirl,

    Love this extract and can't wait to read some more. Keep it up!

    Pythagoras

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Pythagoras,

      Thank you so much for your heart-felt comment!! Your kindness means so much to me!! Stay tuned!!

      -PenGirl

      Delete
  8. Hi! I saw that you commented on my blog so I came here to check out your blog. ^.^ I love your story! You've got a knack for writing; in fact, I was a bit surprised when you said Mount McKinley! I've been in the area before and I know how it's like!

    Something that I would suggest that you can work on is a bit more flow to the story; there are some parts that are transitional, but they just seem there like huge signs, and it's not necessarily something you need to blare out. Try to avoid words such as "then," "next," "after," and "finally," unless you think it's necessary. For example, take this sentence you wrote:

    "After she had broken out her day dream, and collected all of her things, she began to set off for her journey once more for she had little time and oh, so much to do."

    Instead of saying "after" as the transition, you can say what caused her to break out of her daydream as a transition. You said that she finished picking up her items, so you may say, "With all of her items stashed safely in her bag, reality roused her to set of for her journey once more..." See what I mean? It's not as prominent and standing out, and it helps the flow.

    Flow is really important when it comes to the story; with it, it helps readers be absorbed more into the reading. Again, this is just my two cents, so if you wish to disregard this, it's fine. Ultimately, it's up to you what you wish to do, and not me! I wish you luck continuing the story, or, if you are done, then luck on editing and the journey after!

    xoxo Morning

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your lovely feedback, Morning!! I definitely know what your saying!! On my next extract on my next extract I will definatly use what you said!! Thank you so much!!

      -PenGirl

      Delete
  9. Wow! That was such an amazing piece of writing! You are an amazing writer and I know you said on your first post that you wanted to become an author... well from what i've just read your definately on the road to achieving that position!

    Neon Girl xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I am so glad you liked my writing!

      Delete